the older i get, the fewer expectations i have. i don't expect happiness. i don't expect anything good to happen. all i expect is the worst possible outcome.
i'm always on defense, on guard, and ready for whatever comes my way.
i do this because i don’t want the pain to hit me like it once did—back when i was naive and thought things would always go my way. things caught me off guard and destroyed me.
now i know to be careful.
it's sad.
when good things happen, i can’t fully enjoy them because i'm already anticipating the bad things that may follow.
i don't allow my highs to get too high because i don't want to end up disappointed.
this allows my lows to not get too low.
this makes me anxious.
anxiety can be both good and bad. it helps me prepare for the worst, but i overthink so much that it sometimes drives me crazy.
this is also why i don’t trust people with anything. putting faith in others feels dangerous. i can’t trust people with my emotions or favors because i will end up disappointed or getting hurt.
idk, this is just how i am. i do feel like a lone wolf, but it's for the best. i'm doing this to protect myself.
maybe things will change in the future
i may approach things differently when i reach adulthood.
however, so much bad has happened as of late that i am afraid of letting loose.
navigating through early adulthood has been hard, but i am learning a lot from it.
thanks for reading <3
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